more Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

Author: Chuck Klosterman.

" 'I am going to dye my hair red. That is definitely in the works,' he says. 'It's just that the last time I tried, it turned sort of pink. And for some reason, people get scared of you when you have red hair. I don't know why that is, but it's true. They just don't warm up to you the way they do if you're blond.' " (57)

"Certainly, there is a formula to being relentlessly dynamic. There's a shockingly simple equation to being uber-interesting, and it works with every subject imaginable. The formula is as follows: When discussing any given issue, always do three things. First, make an intellectual concession (this makes the listener feel comfortable). Next, make a completely incomprehensible--but remarkably specific--"cultural accusation" (this makes you insightful). Finally, end the dialogue by interjecting slang lexicon that does not necesarily exist (this makes you contemporary).....When talking about music: 'Oh, let's face it--we all know that if Rivers Cuomo makes one more album about the Cubism didactic, he might as well just give up completely and turn Weezer into a hobo-core three-piece.' " (70).

"What's compelling about the idea of the Monroe-Dimaggio relationship--and the Monroe-Arthur Miller relationship, and the Monroe-JFK relationship--is not the idea of them being together. It's the idea fo them not being together. It's the hollow reality of things not working out. it's about Monroe being unattainable to everyone--world-class athletes, brilliant playwrights, and the only movie star president of the twentieth century. She was above them all." (76)

"Madonna is an unsuccessful sexual icon because she desperately wants to be a sexual icon. Pamela Anderson is the perfect sexual icon because she want sto have sex. You think that makes her dumb? Well, maybe you're right. But how smart are you while you're having sex? What part of sex is 'intellectual'? Certainly none of the good parts." (83)

"The outcomes of games aren't predetermined or scripted, but there are definitely dark forces who play with our relatiy. There are faceless puppet masters who pull strings and manipulate the purity of justice. It's not necessarily a full-on conspiracy, but it's certainly not fair. And that's why the NBA remains the only game that matters: Pro basketball is exactly like life." (96)

"Watching modern pro basketball reminds me of watching my roommate play Nintendo in college. In order to remedy this aesthetic decline, the league decided to let teams play zone defense, which has got to be the least logical step ever taken to increase excitement. This is like trying to combat teen pregnancy by lowering the drinking age." (99)

"But you should definitely side with somebody. Either you're with us or you're against us, and both of those options is better than living without a soul." (107)

"Sometimes I'm a bad guy, but I still do good things. Ironically, these godo things are often a direct extension of my badness. And this makes me even worse, because it means my sinister nature is making people unknowingly smile.......So I ended up making two copies of this [mixtape] and sending one to each woman, using all the same songs and identical cover art (computers make this entirely too easy). I expressed identical romantic overtures to two different peopel with one singular movement. And they both received their discs on the same day, and they both loved them (Until now, I suppose)." (136)

"Life is chock-full of lies, but the biggest lie is math. That's particularly clear in the discipline of probability, a field of study that's completely and wholly fake. When push comes to shove--when you truly get down to the core essence of existence--there is only one mathematical possibility: Everything is 50-50. Either something will happen, or something will not....Quasi-intellectuals liek to claim that math is spiritual. They are lying. Math is not religion. Math is the antireligion, because it splinters the gravity of life's only imperative equation: Either something is true, or it isn't. Do or do not; there is not try." (148)